Despair

Okay, so i've messed things up, i think.
I don't really know what i want.
Things are over with Willem. I regret it. I miss him. I still love him.
I don't know what put me off.
I'll make a list:
The way he tried to get me to open up
The way he doesn't take a hint and carries on
The way he was too forceful
The way he tried to kiss me, and i didn't want it
The things he said sounded fake
His fingers smelt of smoke
He was way, way, way too forward
He made me feel awful.

I'm not gonna make a list of why i love him becuase that will hurt too much.
I do want to be more than friends. i so desperately can't mess him around though. All of his friends probably hate me already.
I didn't realise it until now, but when we were just kinda, flirty with each other, i had never been so happy in my life. Well maybe i had been happier in my life, but not for a very long time.

I so desperately want him to just accidentally come across this blog. and then he can tell me that it will all be okay and he will take things slowly and he still loves me. I miss his texts. Dammit, i miss him.
He hasn't been on msn in however long. I'm worried about him. Maybe he's not worried abuot me. maybe he doens't care anymore. maybe he can just move on. I can't mess him around. I hate how everyone seems to be involved too. All of his friends and all of my friends want to know everything, there was a lot of pressure on us both to get together. I don't like that either.

Last night i cried for an hour straight. I've never cried so hard in my life i don't think. my eyes are still hurting now.

I don't know what to do now. I need someone who i can talk to who i know likes to talk to me. I just need it, I've had Ema but she went and then Ruairi but he went with Ema, and Bene but i'm not sure, he's not there enough, and he's not here. Then there was Willem, and ARGHHH now i've pushed him away too. I realised that i push everyone away when they get too close to me. I think the only person i didn't do that with was Ema. Although that's a different thing; friendship, not love.

ARGHHHHHHH
why have i fucked things up so much.
I feel so empty. I feel like there's something missing. I don't have a purpose anymore.

I'm really really scared that i've fucked things up with Willem too much for us to ever be close friends. Even if he doesn't know that i still love him, even if we're just close friends, i just need him there. But maybe that's unfair on him? I don't know what to do, I don't know if i'm allowed to text him, allowed to hug him, allowed to still talk to him. I don't know what's right and what's not. Something tells me he's not telling the full truth when he says he's fine.

I have the worst headache in the world.

Last night i was more upset than i have been in an extremely long time, and the weirdest thing is that i didn't even cut. I kept thinking to myself "If i just do it now, i'll do it really, really badly, and there'd be tons of blood" but i didn't. I don't even know why, I should have. Maybe it's not a coping mechanism that i use it for, maybe i just, do it. I don't know anymore.

If i remember correctly i don't think Willem goes on msn too much on a Sunday.

But i'm scared that if i do say something to him, we'll get too close again and i'll freak out and tell him i don't want it again, and then i'll fuck it up for a second time and i won't have another chance after that. Well i don't even know if i have another chance to make things right now. His friends would hate me i'm sure. Maybe he would too.

I'm just sat here waiting for him to get online really. I need to talk to him. I can't text him. Arghhh he probably hates me.

For the past two days my average amount of sleep works out at 5.5 hours a day. Maybe that's why my eyes hurt and i have a headache.
I'm really not looking forward to this summer. Everyone will be away at different times, so after this week we're just gonna be doing nothing i guess.

That's enough.