Back to the middle of nowhere

I think i finally feel content about the whole Willem situation.
I need to make a proper decision, stop questioning myself
It's times like thsi i feel like i could take on the world. I feel happy, unstoppable.
I think, fuck everything, i can be myself, i am happy, this is who i am
i can stay like this and everything will be okay.
For now , that's how it's going
I'm happy being Willems friend.

I need a holiday diary, i don't want to forget what i've done, so here it goes, i will be editing this most days to add to it.

Friday after school: Town with Willem and everyone. Things messed up with Willem.
Saturday: Mancester.
Sunday: nothing.
Monday: Walton Gardens with Katie and Fay
Tuesday: Walton Gardens with Katie and Lauren
Wednesday: Town shopping for holiday stuff with Katie and Lauren
Thursday: Walton Gardens WITH WELLIES!
Friday: Laurens in the night, film, pride and prejudice LOL
Saturday: Amazing day in town on Queens with everyone. Music festival. Kayle hit his arse falling off the skateboard, followed LENON with Fee and Becky. Saw Willem in the morning. Harry Potter with Coley and Lauren in the evening.
Sunday: Nothing
Monday: Crocky Trail (Y) with Lauren and family
Tuesday: Town with Willem then Manchester with the mother.
Wednesday: Work in the day, town afterwards with Kayle, Coll, Paige, Lisa, Josh, Danny and some other guy with sick hair.
Thursday: Work then dads house, fucking joy
Friday: Work then dad's house, again. ew. town with Kayle and Ky after work, walking around nowhere, chavs singing bacon songs at police and telling us to get rid of our drugs.
Saturday: oh my gosh, what a day, town and nearly getting beaten up by the bloody chavs... *copies and pastes*
We were sat on Queens park, me, Lauren, and Kayle, and there was this gang of chavs in all trackies and stuff and we just looked at them and they looked back so Lauren smiled and then we were like, shit they might follow us, so we got up and started walking off, but they followed us, and they started shouting "don't walk away from us" and we were like EEEK WALK QUICKER! So we did, and they started catching up to us, and we were like fuckfuckfuck, and this girl who was 16 (we found out after) started saying to Lauren "Why was you starin at me" so Lauren was proper like "We weren't staring at you." i would have just been like "oh my gosh i'm sorry" lol. but anyways, she was like "Yeah you fuckin' were mateeee" and Lauren was like "Fuck off, no we weren't." So i was like fucking hell she's gonna get us fucking knifed!!! So Lauren started walking off and i was like oh my gosh oh my gosh and they were shouting after her like "DOn't fuckin' ignore me, don't fuckin walk away from me when am talking to you" and i was like eeee. And me and Kayle just were kinda walking along with the chavs like, just get to whree more people are, cause there was fucking no one there, and then they stopped so we stopped, and they were like, "So why the fuck were you all starin' at us" and I was like "Oh she didn't mean to offend you, she was just being nice" so then she started like proper shouting "I don't want to fuckin' moshers bein' nice to me" and i was like aaahhhh and then they were all like "Fuckin' bang her out mate" and i was like NONONON and she goes "Nah, i can't hit her, she's too small" so i was like THANK FUCK. but they were proper taking the piss out of Kayle, like asking him if he was a boy or a girl and how old and stuff, and then they asked us if we would tell the police if they hit us, and i said i dind't know and Kayle said yeah, and then the girl started taking all her rings off and like stretching her knuckels and stuff and i was proper shitting myself, and she started saying "I promised (enter chav name here) I'd bang out a mosher every day so i'm doin' him a favour" and i was like fuckfuckfuck and she just kept like acting like she was gonna hit him for ages, then the others started telling her to stop picking on people for no reason, and shit and she was like just telling them to fuck off, and then she goes to Kayle "Are you scared" and he nodded and she went "Oh i can't hit him now, he's fukin' scared" and then her mate put her arm around Kayle and was like "go now" and i grabbed his arm and i RANNN ahahaha


Haha, then back on Queens after with Fee trying to smoke! and then Coley's in the night, WOW.
Sunday:Slept a lot of the day, was extremely tired as we dind't sleep at Coley's.
Monday: Manchester with Cat! Ohh was good fun. I can't remeber any quotes though :( ROCKETDOGS(Y)
Tuesday: Hair cut in the morning, Piano viewing with Sheila Stamp in the afternoonnnn. good day
Wednesday: DAY WITH WILLEM ON QUEENS! we had a Starbucks first in Borders, and then we walked back to Queens and we sat down on the grass under a tree, and it was sunshining and we lay down and lay for hours looking up at the sky through the trees and he kept hugging me and then he looked into my eyes and said i had the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen and we just talked and talked and talked and then he hugged and put his head on my chest and then he kissed my neck and then he looked at me and then he kissed me on the lips and then he just lay next to me, and i told him i liked things how they were but i didnt' want them to change; i dont want a relationship and he said that he would love me as a friend for as long as he lives and we just talked and talked and hugged and talked and hugged and talked and then i had to go and we hugged some mroe and i went home! But all in all i spent about four and a half hours on Queens with him, ohhh it was lovely!
Thursday: work eewww
Friday: work, then dads, even worse!
Saturday: Woke up at 11 past ten, should have left the house at ten, absolutely rushed and got to the station before hannah. went Manchester with Hannah. was alright, got train home about half three and spent some time in town with Cat and Fee and all that lot then came home and the mother was angry becuase i hadn't texted her allllll day.
Sunday: Nothing, but Katie came homeeeee!!!
Monday: Town with Willem in the morning which was lovely and then Katie came in the afternoon :)!:)!:)!
Tuesday: The stream with Katie and Sam and the strongbow and nearly getting arrested ahahaha
Wednesday: Town in the morning with Fay and everyone and i saw Pem :S and then Manchester with Nicky, Katie, Coley, Ben and Mike.
Thursday: First day staying in. Homework day (Y)
Friday:Fay's house! then my dad's..
Saturday: First day of doing absolutely nothing. That isn't a sunday. But tomorrow will be HECTIC!
Sunday: painting day, did art homework, was boring. COLEY'S IN THE EVENING iwth Katie and Nicky and Coley obviously and ohh it was fantastic (See Coley's blog)
Monday: I absolutely can't remember. sorry.
Tuesday: ermm like town or something? i can't remember again
Wednesday: Walton gardens with willem which was nice but i was a cunt and didn't speak like all day
Thursday: Manchester with Katie and Cat which was brilliant
Friday: GO ON HOLIDAY
Saturday: holiday
Sunday: holiday
Monday: holiday
Tuesday: holiday
Wednesday: holiday
Thursday: holiday
Friday: holiday, big ass delay on way home.
Saturday: MY BIRTHDAY! town with Lauren and Willem and Coley nad Nicky and Ben ad nwhoever else was there i can't really remember, see Coley's blog.
Sunday: MANCHESTER with Lauren and Nicky and Coley, fanTAStic day, see Coley's blog again. was brilliant.
Monday: HOMEWORK DAY. and update of blog.
Tuesday: homework and then town. was shit really.
Wednesday: BACK TO SCHOOL

So there we go people, my summer. I CANT WAIT FOR NEXT YEARS.



TO BE CONTINUED...

Despair

Okay, so i've messed things up, i think.
I don't really know what i want.
Things are over with Willem. I regret it. I miss him. I still love him.
I don't know what put me off.
I'll make a list:
The way he tried to get me to open up
The way he doesn't take a hint and carries on
The way he was too forceful
The way he tried to kiss me, and i didn't want it
The things he said sounded fake
His fingers smelt of smoke
He was way, way, way too forward
He made me feel awful.

I'm not gonna make a list of why i love him becuase that will hurt too much.
I do want to be more than friends. i so desperately can't mess him around though. All of his friends probably hate me already.
I didn't realise it until now, but when we were just kinda, flirty with each other, i had never been so happy in my life. Well maybe i had been happier in my life, but not for a very long time.

I so desperately want him to just accidentally come across this blog. and then he can tell me that it will all be okay and he will take things slowly and he still loves me. I miss his texts. Dammit, i miss him.
He hasn't been on msn in however long. I'm worried about him. Maybe he's not worried abuot me. maybe he doens't care anymore. maybe he can just move on. I can't mess him around. I hate how everyone seems to be involved too. All of his friends and all of my friends want to know everything, there was a lot of pressure on us both to get together. I don't like that either.

Last night i cried for an hour straight. I've never cried so hard in my life i don't think. my eyes are still hurting now.

I don't know what to do now. I need someone who i can talk to who i know likes to talk to me. I just need it, I've had Ema but she went and then Ruairi but he went with Ema, and Bene but i'm not sure, he's not there enough, and he's not here. Then there was Willem, and ARGHHH now i've pushed him away too. I realised that i push everyone away when they get too close to me. I think the only person i didn't do that with was Ema. Although that's a different thing; friendship, not love.

ARGHHHHHHH
why have i fucked things up so much.
I feel so empty. I feel like there's something missing. I don't have a purpose anymore.

I'm really really scared that i've fucked things up with Willem too much for us to ever be close friends. Even if he doesn't know that i still love him, even if we're just close friends, i just need him there. But maybe that's unfair on him? I don't know what to do, I don't know if i'm allowed to text him, allowed to hug him, allowed to still talk to him. I don't know what's right and what's not. Something tells me he's not telling the full truth when he says he's fine.

I have the worst headache in the world.

Last night i was more upset than i have been in an extremely long time, and the weirdest thing is that i didn't even cut. I kept thinking to myself "If i just do it now, i'll do it really, really badly, and there'd be tons of blood" but i didn't. I don't even know why, I should have. Maybe it's not a coping mechanism that i use it for, maybe i just, do it. I don't know anymore.

If i remember correctly i don't think Willem goes on msn too much on a Sunday.

But i'm scared that if i do say something to him, we'll get too close again and i'll freak out and tell him i don't want it again, and then i'll fuck it up for a second time and i won't have another chance after that. Well i don't even know if i have another chance to make things right now. His friends would hate me i'm sure. Maybe he would too.

I'm just sat here waiting for him to get online really. I need to talk to him. I can't text him. Arghhh he probably hates me.

For the past two days my average amount of sleep works out at 5.5 hours a day. Maybe that's why my eyes hurt and i have a headache.
I'm really not looking forward to this summer. Everyone will be away at different times, so after this week we're just gonna be doing nothing i guess.

That's enough.

"I don't want to guess, i just want to know."

This has to be a new start. I need to write this for myself.
I need some kind of, outlet.
I always go back to old ways, old habits, old things that should be changed and i promise i will, but i always go back to routine.
I must promise myself.
I will write the blog for myself.
I will not write so it sounds good, i will write what i need to.
Or what i want to.
I will not refrain from posting certain things as they may offend certain people.
This is for myself after all, no one else.

I love that i am young. I love that i believe in love. I believe in soul mates. I believe in those things more than anything else. There are things that come and go, but i think soul mates and love is just a given.
*that should be are

I think the one thing i'm scared of is looking back and laughing at who i was then/who i am now. Who's to say when i'm older, i won't belive in true love and soul mates? I'm scared i will stop loving the world and everything in it, i am scared that i will laugh at how naive i was, but deep down i will know that it is so much better to be naive and belive in those things than not believe at all.

I'll always belive in God. prehaps THAT'S a given.For me?

I'm scared i talk about myslsef too much. Everyone talks about themselves don't they? I always have so much to say about what i think.

this blog feels different. Like i'm actually talking in my head, getting my thoughts out. It feels good. Different.


I am quite scared of hurting you. Your friend jokingly-threatened me. I wish i could trust you to keep what i tell you to yourself.

I must keep this up. I must keep writing for myself. I hope this feeling hasn't changed by tomorrow.

Maybe no one reads this, maybe it's just like talking to myself. It feels kind of strange then. Like i'm two people. But i'm talking to myself. How strange. I think i really need this.

That's all for now i think.

I'm on webcam and i'm pretty sure i have a very in-depth thinking face on. How stupid of me ;)

I was thinking something before that i wanted to write about but i have forgotten it now.

That is all.
Go to bed.



<3