A good day! (F)

So i have quite a bit to say now, as i haven't posted in a few days,

Yesterday night i had to walk home from my aunty's house after babysitting my cousins, and it was about eight, and i jsut really loved walking home. It felt so great. I can't explain. I want to walk in the evenings more.

i have so much to say about my day, and it makes me extremely sad that i'm not gonna write about it, becuase i don't wanna forget it, but i don't have the motivation.



hannah

Just another lazy day afternoon

Me and the cat. >.<

This post i think is heading in a more light-hearted diraction today, compared to my others.

I'm actually missing Lauren quite a lot. I can't wait until she is finished at Morrisons. I really wish we could have gone to Manchester today. I have £15 aswell :]

i have 22 songs to download at the moment.

i'm going to have a gange at the "new" town today sometime. I really need one of those revision guides. I'm proper fucked for this next science test, cause i just kinda swithed off for the past like two or so months, so i don't remember any of it. The last one was okay becuase at the start of the year i actually took stuff in, instead of just writing it down. Ah well, i will revise beter than i did for the last one. i WILL!

So yeah, i'ma go off now.

Have a nice day



hannah

I feel strange today.
yesterday i felt like i was walking around in a bubble; like no one could get through to me. I felt very..calm. I just walked through corridors being pushed around and everything like normal, and i just looked at everyone and thought "you will never understand." I wanted to stay quiet all day, i didn't want to say a word. I wanted to keep it all inside, like it was safe, like i was wrapped in my own little world protected with cotton wool and nobody could get in. It felt kinda of good. But also kind of like a zombie.

Today, i just feel..alone i guess. I can't explain how i feel. Bastards. I could write so much here but i never do, i always just give up. Today is no different.

Bene, i hope you feel better soon (F)



hannah

Gsysdd ^

Dedicated to Dan.

I don't understand what has happened, but i think that she was very stupid. All those messages, you practically declaring your un-dying love for her. I don't understand it. But i am here for you boy. I know what you feel like, and i understand, but Dan you know that your life will go on and there will be other people yes? And you will always have meee!

I know that you are going to do this, i told you, you will whether you like it or not! >.<

I love you Starbucks Face, keep strong yeah? i'm on my phone any time.


hannah

If everything is nothing, then are we anything?

My mind is, once again, very muddled. Is there a time when my mind isn't! Well, when i look at the sky for one.

I got very angry today and without realising i bit my lip, and now i have a big bruise and a cut. *sulk*

I am worried about a lot of things at the moment.

Prehaps i should make a list. i think putting it in code is more appropriate

Ys;lomh yp Osm/
Yjr ejp;r Tisoto/Nrmr/R,s yjomh///
All the tests coming up
Yjr gsvy yjsy o s, lrr[omh ,ptr smf ,ptr omdofr/

Prehaps i should speak my mind a bit more. Prehaps that will make me feel better.
I seem to put the last four years into different little kinda, sections i guess. Mainly based on the music i listned to at the time, or not as the case may be. I generally have a few songs that go with each period. For example, December - around July; My Reply by The Ataris among others.

anyways gotta go, a fast exit i know, but the mother is home, and i'm menna be in bed,. =/





hannah

We'll make the great escape

Bloody love that photo. It's not mine though. I would love to go to America, always wanted to go, always will. Tennessee first please (F)

Today i was shocked by how many people actually read this shit. It's like what Bene said, about people reading his blogs; are people stalking me!?

This is another one of those blogs that i have open in a window for hours, but don't really write much for ages.

My head is spinning at the moment. (of course as a metaphor; not literally.) So many thoughts are going through my mind. How do you suddenly change, from one person to another? I have been looking at old photographs from 4, prehaps 5 years ago, and they have made me think. Where is the person in those photographs? Don't get me wrong, i don't want her to come back, not at all, but, where did she go? At what point do you, get rid of one personality and take on another? Prehaps it's when i lost weight. Prehaps i lost my naivety at the same time. Or maybe it was after that. Maybe it was when people started telling me i looked good thinner, maybe i thought "Jesus, they're all telling me i look good, i must have look bloody awful before." Or maybe i just grew without realising. Maybe i was forced to grow up by events and people. But at what point, did i bcome this? This. At what point did my life become completely and utterly influenced and attached to, people i've never even met, a pathetic website in which you add people to your list to show your popularity as a number? At what point, did i become obsessed with things that are bad for me? At what point did i suddenly change, and i would like to know, why don't i remember it? This obvisouly drastic change in my personality, and i don't remember it...why?

I could go on with all of this, but what good will it bring to everyone's mediocre little lives?

Exactly.

That's all for tonight.



hannah
(prehaps i should sign this anonymous; to indicate that another change in myself is happening, and i am between persons.)

In school

Well i have found a website i can ACTUALLY get on in school! It won't let me on Postsecret this week; there must be one with a URL with a swear word in or something.

Anyways, that's all i can say becuase there is some wierd subsitute teacher giving me suspicious looks haha.

proper ((F)) posts later.




hannah

Well i found this picture before; it brings back some memories with Lauren lol.

So i've kinda lost heart with this blogging thing. Am i the normal one, to keep secrets from everyone, or, is everyone normal and me just...insane? I don't understand.

I started this blog at 21:27. it is now 23:09. So it's taking a while to write this. I'm not really sure what to write anymore.

I don't know why i ramble on about all this shit. It's all fake. No doubt i'll be doing it all again in my next posts.

So i had a pretty shitty day, just full of revision and crap. But when i got on msn it was okay lol. I'm really gonna fail this science test though, i'll be glad when it's over.

I wish the things Bene said were true. (F)

Je t'aime.





hannah

I was shocked by a song Bene sent me just before; it explained perfectly how i felt today. I didn't even ask him for it, he just sent it. Thankyou (F)

Lyrics;

Well the future's got me worried such awful thoughts
My head's a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops
I just want someone to walk in front
And I'll follow the leader
Like when I fell under the weight of a schoolboy crush
Started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs
I almost forgot who I was
But came to my senses

Now I'm trying to be assertive, I'm making plans
Want to rise to the occasion, yeah meet all their demands
But all I do is just lay in bed
And hide under the covers

Yeah I know I should be brave
But I'm just too afraid of all this change

And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt
I keep making this to-do list but nothing gets crossed out
Working on the record seems pointless now
When the world ends who's gonna hear it?

But I'm trying to take some comfort in written words
Yeah Tim, I heard your album and it's better than good
When you get off tour I think we should
Hang and black out together

Cause I've been feeling sentimental for days gone by
All those summers singing, drinking, my friend, wasting our time
Remember all those songs and the way we smiled
In those basements made of music?

But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all
I'm not as strong as I thought

So when I'm lost in a crowd, I hope that you'll pick me out
I long to be found, the grass grew high, I laid down
Now I'll wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand
I've been laying so long, don't wanna lay here no more
Don't wanna lay here no more, don't wanna lay here no more

Everything that happens is supposed to be
And it's all pre-determined, can't change your destiny
Guess I'll just keep moving, someday maybe
I'll get to where I'm going

I have so, so much to say, but there are so many obstacles and it's just not right so i shall leave this blog short.

I'm not sure i will be posting many more. There is so much i don't know how/don't feel it's right to say, therefore limiting what i can write here.

That's all.



hannah

2:01 (am)

I'm so tired, i think i might just throw up.

So let's post a blog

why the hell not.




hannah

A Blank Canvas

Town ^

Running in zombie-mode at the moment. Very tired, aching, still plagued with this bastard illness shite. Got "shouted at" for going to town today, but i wanted to see Lauren. And she bought be a doughnut - how sweet! I proper missed that girl (English-ism (F))

I don't know why, but i just feel like typing in kinda note form. i'm tired and i can't be BOTHERED. (not arsed - bothered)
I have so much revision to do it is unreal. i AM gonna start on it tomorrow. I promise. ^o)

I'm so, so tired. I have so much more to say aswell, but it will have to wait. Tonight i am not in the mood.



hannah

some very good news, and rain

Today has been SUCH a wierd day. I've had one of the worst and one of the best days in a long time. I didn't go out in the end, and i was mega bummed out cause of my mum pissing me off, but then i talked to Bene, and Lauren, and i read Dan's blog, and Bene sent me Your Song and the world was right again :] OH and it rained. i always feel better when it's raining. i don't know why, i just really like it.

Anyway, Bene made me happy because Bene is Bene, and i made a complETE fool of myself (lol) but oh well.
Lauren made me happy becuase i can't WAIT to see her tommorrow :]
Dan's blog made me extra happy becuase of well what it said lol. Dan, i am so proud of you. I always knew something would have to change for you to realise that, and now it has and you have, and i am so fucking grateful to Holly.

I am scared of turning into my mum. One thing i notice about her, she always expects the worst thing to happen, so she isn't so hurt when it does, (If it does) I don't want to do that, but i can feel myself doing it with this situation. How do you push thoughts out of your head? You can ignore them, but they don't go away. Prehaps you tell someone. Prehaps once a thought is there, it is there forever. I don't know.

Anyway, i know i'm happy today. I know i am happy when i am able to help someone else feel better. If i can't, then i'm not happy myself. Today i can and i have. I'm back people :]


So i think that's enough for now. I can't WAIT for tomorrow, i'ma take pictures for Bene (F)


I LOVE YOU. (F)






hannah

a rant.

This is outside an art gallery in Italy. I just liked it, i thought it was something different.

What was meant to be a good day has turned out to be a pretty big bummer.
My mum is just pissing me off so much recently. Just shouting at me for everything, for the most stupid little things, and then i was just on my computer, and she jsut walks in without saying anything, without knocking, sits down on my bed and starts painting her nails. and i'm just sat there looking at her like "wtf are you doing, get out my room" and she just carries on. and then she starts talking to me. and then she starts questioning me on why i want to go to Manc with Cat next week cause i don't normally go iwth cat and it's like fuck off. she won't let me be friends with Cat bcuase Cat is too close to Rachel and i'm not allowed to be friends with Rahel becuase she's a lesbian,and becuase i ran away to Cardiff with her (which is understandable, but why can't i be friends with Cat - i'm giong with her not Rach!)
She was questioning me about it all and she was like "You are not telling me you will go to Manchester, just you and Cat, and she won't bring any of her 'unsavouries' with her?" i was like OMG GET OUT BEFORE I FUCKING SCREAM.

i've really had enough of her recently. i can feel myself getting more and more wound up by her all the time. She lets me have NO privacy whatsoever and it annoys the hell out of me. She has to "choose" my friends. I'm not allowed to be friends with certain people, i'm not allowed to do this with a certain person or that with someone else. it's like Jesus Christ am i living my life or yours? She's just turned into my gran and i know she will fucking hate that but she completely has. She's so over-protective of me, every fucking other person who has a life is out all the fucking time and i'm only allowed out at certain times and she has to know abolsultey everywhere i go and she has to text me all the fucking time to make sure i'm doing what i've said i'm doing.

It's like i can never fucking get it right with her. I don't go out at all and she complains that i'm just "lolling" around doing fuck all, and then i go out all the time and she suspects i'm doing something else. I can't win. i want to get out of this fucking house. i'm so sick of it. i'm sick of having to keep so much shit secret from her. GAHH i can't WAIT to move out.

People say that when you are a teenager yeah you hate your mum and that but you always get over it and love her after it, but, what happens if you don't? what if all the STEREOTYPES are not right? What if the expected course of events turns out to be something so fucking different, does everyone still shove you in a stupid stereotype bracket then? What if you just hate her forever, and you just move on, pretneding you don't even have a mother. Does anyone care then? i really hate stereotypes. With a passion. i despise people who just assume things becuase that is what "everyone does/thinks/whatever" I hate the fact that at school, just becuase you forget one piece of hwrk or a pen or a book, you are automatically seen as lying and lazy and retarded. WE ARE NOT ALL LIKE THAT. WE ARE HUMANS. Jesus Christ, how hard is it.

Sorry about all this swearing and ranting and whatnot, i'm just so angry and it's been building up for a long time.

I have so much more to say but no way to say it, so i'm just gonna leave it there.

more posts later, i expect.

Oh, and no pictures from today. didn't go out after all.



hannah

A new day

Okay, so i know it's not Monday, but i thought that was lovely. Someone found it on the floor, and sent it in to Found Magazine. That's a great website, you should all look at it.

Well today i am feeling rather ill, yet again, however, i can now breathe through my nose, which is a bonus. Still have lots of phlegm though >.< Lovely. I've already been through a packet of tissues, and it's, what? 9:15 AM! Gosh that is earlier than usual isn't it. Well, i was awake becuase my mum went out for breakfast (^o) - if you have msn type that in - that's the face i want - lol)

Today should be really good, the park with Lauren and prehaps Kt. I can't wait :) i've missed Lauren. a lot. Hopefully things can go back to how they used to be now. I'm hoping to take lots of pictures today, of Wally Gee, so i can show Bean :] OOHH MY GOSH FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND ON FRIDAY! *just a BIT excited* ahhh if they play History or Roses For The Dead (which i'm sure they will) i will CRY! i can't WAIT :) *is excited* i still don't know how we're getting there though! oh well.

I'm rather worried about the fact that EVERYONE is revising shit loads, and i've not even started revising =/ I just can't get motivated, i can't be arsed AT ALL. Shit i've not done my art either. Or my english! bollocks. Oh well, it will have to wait, cause i'm not diong it today :)

:O :O :O The Horrors are on the front of Disorder this month. <33333 Will be buying that asap. (it makes me laugh how some Americans say that) i had a dream abuot Josh Von Grimm the other night. He looks amazing as ever. lol. How about that for obsession!?

I'm happy i'm happy i'm happy. Bean said that happiness makes you better, it's science :] I think it's workingggg.

Haha, i found this picture just before. I remember exactly the time it was taken. I was staying over at my gran's house, it was a really sunny day towards the end of summer and my grandad was mowing the lawn (is that spelt right - i've never written mowing before lol) Anyway i was jumping off this wall and then i remember when i got the umbrella and jumped off, i really believed i would fly.

When she jumped, she probably thought she would fly...

The Vrigin Suicides <3 Thankyou to Sam for that one.

Anyways, im'a go now. I'll post later, with pictures of today - if i am well enough to go out. lol.



hannah



I love you (F)

19:24

So right now, i am looking at the sky. i am thinking, I have had a really bad day. I am SORRY. how sorry cannot be wrtten in words, or even conveyed through a song or something like that. I dont know if you see that, but i hope to God you do. I like to write looking out of my window. I will have to go back and correct the mistakes when i am done, cause i'm not looking at what i'm typing.

The sky, it's like, a release, it's like, conformation(don't think that's spelt right) that there is another world, an escape, like a backup plan, if things get too bad, there's always the sky, kinda thing. I wonder if deep down everyone is capable of feeling like this for something so simple (on first glace) or whether you have to have the ability to really LOOK at it. not just see, you have to look. i think. =/ Well i just had an argument with my mum. I can't be arsed with her and the way she won't accept anyone who has a different mind frame/set of oppinions to her. She started watching this program on twins who had anorexia, and she was like shouting things at the tv, like they are not fucking right, they need fucking medical help, and shit and iwas like "but mum to them that seems normal why can't you accept tha?" amd she was just like "no hannah it's wrong. it shouldn't be allowed" i was like WTF./ arjgjjj/

Well Ian "set me a challenge" but i don't know how well it's gonna go down with some people. Well not some people,just one person, becuase of last night and all but i have done it anyway. This probably makes no sense to you whatsoever. whatever, it's not really for you to understand i guess.

I wish i could fly. I want to be in the clouds. it's amazing i can't describe it. It's so inspirational. I take a lot of pictures of the sky but they never capture every single tiny detail like i want it to.

I think that is enough for tonight, i have no more to say.

I love you, please come back i am sorry. (F) (prehaps (W) is more appropriate?)


hannah

(F)

"look at all the brits!"

I have a thousand and one apologies to make. I can't say i particularly remember last night, or what was said or what went on, but i do know that you weren't happy. Well, i could have guessed that much. I don't know how to apologise. I can just say i am sorry profusely and i'm sure the words mean little but the feeling is most definately there. I know i have disappointed you, myself as well if i am honest, but, well, (here i would like to say it was a one off, but that sounds so cliché and stupid, so prehaps i shall just end the sentance with "well,")
I am absolutely terrified i have pushed you away. I don't know what i said to you last night, i doubt it was ledgible whatever it was, but i can presume it was something i wouldn't normal say with a stable head. I love you. I am completely and utterly taken over by you. I didn't want to tell you incase i scared you away, incase you didn't/don't feel the same. Every single thing i do i associate something with you. Every single thought is one of you and every single dream has you in it. I can't explain how overwhelmed i am with, you. I can safely say you amaze me, you make me a different, what feels like a better, person. I no longer am scared the feelings will not be returned (although i would hope they are (!)) becuase this is how i feel about you and nothing is going to change that. Not for an extremely long time anyway.
I think that is all i have to say for now. (F)


hannah

Angry post, not picture

This is a rant. I AM SICK OF YOU BREAKING DAN.
First of all, EVERY FUCKER CUTS, GET THE FUCK OVER IT, IT IS NO BIG DEAL.
second, WHAT is the point of sending him texts and shit that you KNOW will make him upset when you KNOW you wil never get him back and yet you STILL carry on with your shit!

WHAT IS THE POINT!

*huff*

i really really hate attention seeking whores. GET A LIFE.

Also, i love you Dan, so it's okay :]


aaaaaaaaaaaaand finally, Clo i am sorry for missing you call. even though you won't read this. whatever, it's late.

that's all folks.

hannah

Under the weather, and a new post

Well i am just in love with this picture. Andy found me the link to the website you are beautiful and i think it's amazing. People send in an envelope with a stamp and their address to the website, and the website then sends you a collection of stickers, like the one above, with You Are beautiful written on it. all the website asks in return is that you send in a picture of where you stick the stickers. I well wanna do it.

I don't really like myspace anymore. I still go on it almost every day becuase, as Leila says, it's just force of habit, but i really hate how people have become obsessed with it. I think it's all very fake.

I feel like death warmed up today. I woke up with a banging headache and a throat (wait for it cat..) as rough as a badgers arse. most days when i feel ill in the morning it goes off by the late afternoon/evening, but today God has taken it upon himself to keep me feeling like this invalid that i do at the moment for a while longer. Well it's a good job my plans for tomorrow have been cancelled then. Although the prospect of waking up to 1. and empty house with 2. nothing to do all day, really makes me want to go to sleep and not wake up. Increasingly i have fuond myself feeling like this and to be quite honest i am tired of it. I am ready to be motivated now, so if anyone would care to help me get off my fat arse and actually be bothered to do something it would be muchly appreciated.

I've learnt to be myself more in my blogs now. Before i think i was writing them for, an audience i guess. Now, i'm just writing for, myself. Or prehaps just for the hell of it. Same difference i guess.

I don't tihnk i could rate today very highly. I look like a whore who still has make-up on from nights before, i feel like curling up and dying, and i've had to work doubly hard becuase Kate Herbert had to be fucking sick didn't she. And i don't even think tonight was worth worrying myself over, prehaps tomorrow will be.

Anyway, i have to finish here becuase i have other things to do such as gleefully search myspace for some unsuspecting trend setter to spy on, or wallow in my own self pity.



that's all folks. (rememmber that of some Disney program?! was it like bugs bunny or something? i don't remember.)



hannah.

Beans (F) I love you.

Alright, so i haven't posted in a long while, but i've had time to clear my head and think.

"there's kids playing guns in the street
and one's pointing his tree branch at me
So I put my hands up I say:
"Enough is enough,
If you walk away I walk away."
(and he shot me dead)"

<3

People have been really getting to me recently. I don't want to talk about it, becuase tbh i haven't really been given a chance to just leave the situation, but once i write it out prehaps i can leave it and move on from that. She just won't leave me alone, and then she tries to get me to explain myself and says i've been lying to her and it's like PLEASEE LEAVE ME ALONE! I think she's pathetic, i can't tell her that though.

Anyway, enouh of that. Tonight i was looking out my window and i saw all these silhouettes (sp?) of the gnats against the bright orange sunset and it just made me stop and watch, and in the few minutes that i was there i really think i lost myself and i felt a whole lot different. The feeling was strange and different, kind of like a vulnerability, but also an individuality. I can't explain it very well. i say that about most things.

I love artists who write amazing lyrics. it just ispires me to write and to, just, be. I swear, sometimes i wish i could write out every single Bright Eyes song everywhere, it seems that every single song i hear means something to me. One day i'm going to have a wide enouh vocabulary to describe to every single person how inspired and amazing and overwhelmed i am by certain things.

I can't fail to mention, you. Yes. The picture at the top of the blog, swimming across the atlantic ocean, having our spot on the moon. I say it enough, but I Love You. I really really do. I am overwhelmed and completely taken over by you. And thoughts of you. and Everything about you.
I LOVE YOU!

That's all for now, i think.

hannah


Things that have amazed me today: how much i love you
the sky
bright eyes ( i would not be suprised if these regularly start to appear on this list)